Urge to perform

For those who obtained no clue as onto how my current biological rhythm and chronological cycle, let me tell you this, i normally only go to bed at 4-9am depending on my mood swing and workload. However, for the past 5days-1week probably, i had loads of innerlog with myself (don't worry i am not crazy, yet) and my sleeping time shifted to bout 9am-10am every morning. And so, my "day" starts at bout 4-5pm, well it's not at all just negative to me, as i am always a night person, and i just cant work things out (assignment wise) during normal day time. Forgive me, if this clashes with your point of view or causes any discomforts or urge to scold a young man like me. Feel free if you must.

Alright, anyway, i shall go straight to the point of this post. As i said before, i "talked" to myself alot recently, i am still in a pretty functionable mood, but deep inside i feels that i am losing bits of me as time goes by. And, hence, the deep discussion with myself, attempted to discover and identify the missing links that causes this upset. It was tough, it wasn't anywhere near easy, to slowly dissect every and any possible reasons from various angles, especially when you're analyzing yourself. It was tough, what's more difficult that trying to identify, is to digest and further verify whether is it true, or was it just part of my imagination.

And so, during the process, many things flashed through my mind, relationships (both successful and unsuccessful ones), friendships, career opportunities, family, anxiety towards everything and everyone that i care for, etc. I took a look at all these things.. materials that are more "tangible" at means, i realized, these are not the problems. It's true that all these things, at some points in my life, does provides me some thrills and despairs, sometimes... But it mainly acted just like a trigger, of something deeper that lies further beneath me.

I had conversations with few of my friends, and talked bout something relevant with my sister, etc, i tried talking to both really close friends and some that still need more time to get to know each other, to see whether i could benefit from their feedbacks. The results wasn't that optimistic. Negative is what i can obtained. And so, my debate and discussion with myself continues.

Till now, almost everything happens in my life have been worked out pretty smooth, even though it might not near perfect or good, it was pleasant. However, i still feel sad at times, as if something is missing (And hey, that feeling isn't much of loneliness or being horny, it's something different and more than that). And so, i came to a rough conclusion, at least, a guideline to finding the answers, which is - i am not satisfied with who i am, yet.

There's something in me that keep on pushing, as if someone's saying,"this is not the person i longed to become, I don't like this "you", i need more of "something", etc". With that, a slightly clearer path has been prepared for me by my thoughts, and so i just walk around the park along the theme of "satisfaction" and "dissatisfaction", what makes me satisfied and happy as a person and what makes me not.

I took myself out of the house, yesterday night, for a run, at a time where everyone were still asleep. Maybe i shouldn't call it a run, but more like... a walk. And yes, for those who know me well, i walked to the city alone, at such dangerous hours.. again. But it helps. It really does.

It cleared up my mind a lil bit, wiping off assumptions and blindspots that i prepared for the hide and seek game with myself. I was the one who took the missing piece of the puzzle away. I was the one who pushed too hard for it, and wasted a portion of my life. And then, a slight hint to my solution, i have the urge... I have the urge to perform, to do something of remembrance. To achieve and create something that will be known by others, not just the surroundings... but something more than that.

I shall work harder for that. Cheers..